Monday, January 9, 2012

God's working in me!

  I usually shy away from getting attention and don't like writing about myself, but what I am going to write about now I feel glorifies God and I give him all the credit for it.

  It all started after Josiah and I were engaged and we were talking one day and he brought up how he had wanted to join the military.  I did not like the idea at all and told him so.  We talked about and as far as I was concerned the subject was closed and decided upon.  Although he did say that he would not promise me that he would not do it.  He said he had seen that done too much in marriages and did not want to it in ours.  A while after we got married he brought it up again and I was in shock because I had thought we were done with the subject.  We talked about again and it was dropped.  It got brought up every so often and I could not believe that he would not drop it, didn't he know how I felt about it?  It did start bringing a little tension into our marriage because neither one of us would change our minds on it. 
  God did start softening my heart to the idea, but I was too stubborn to let Josiah know.  I did not think I could just give in.  We had many talks, and I would wonder why it was me that had to give up what I wanted.  Couldn't he give up his dream of being a solider for me?  Why was it me that had to do all the giving up? I struggled and I prayed and wanted to talk to someone, but never did because I did not want them to get the picture that Josiah was being a mean and inconsiderate husband.
  Finally the end of 2010 I started sharing with him about how my heart was softening towards the idea, but I still wasn't ready for him to go ahead.  He went and got his GED (he needed it to join) and that was all fine with me as long as he did not do any thing else about it.  We continued to talk about it and finally in June God convicted me and I felt like as a wife I had no right to keep my husband from doing what he wanted to do.  So one weekend we left Ivan and Ursula with his sister and went away for the day.  I opened up my heart and told him how I was feeling, and that if he really wanted to join it was his decision.  I was no longer in the way.  He, of course, was very excited and I was happy for him, but I was still hoping that he would change his mind.
  He got a hold of the recruiter and told her that he wanted to join. So he started all the paper work and finally in the end of July he went down to MEPS for his physical.  I remember those days very well, because I was very upset.  I would go in the bathroom and almost scream and pull my hair, and just say, "why, why, why?  If he really loved me he would not do this."  I often voiced to him how I felt and he would say that he could go to his recruiter and tell her that he was backing out.  I would tell him not to do that.  I told him I needed to figure this out.  I told him that I was afraid that if he went and backed out of it all that he would have the struggles that I was having, and I just assumed it be me that had to deal with it, and beside I had felt like it was the right thing to do.  I prayed often that God would help me.  I wanted to be excited and happy for him.  I did not want to be dragging him down.
  Finally the end of Sept. came and he enlisted and got the days that he was going to ship out for BCT and I actually felt a bit of excitement.   I found myself trying to learn as much as I could about what he was doing so I could be involved in it as much as I could. And as time went on I felt peace more and more about the whole thing and I did not like it when some one would pity me and all because they could not believe that he would leave me to take care of 3 little children in the winter by myself, because I would start to feel the self-pity come in and I would struggle with every thing again.
  I was SO afraid that I would tell him just to do it, and then I would resent him and we would be in no better state then before I just let go.  But, thanks be to God, I can say that I harbor no resentment or hard feelings towards my husband, but actually the opposite.  I feel like our marriage has never been in a better place, and I have never loved my husband more than I do now, and I thank God that I am married to him and not to anyone else.
  Even though it is hard for me with him being gone and not being able to talk to him, I feel like God is using this time to draw me closer to Him, to my children and also to my sweetheart.  I look forward to seeing him again with as much anticipation as I did when I was waiting to marry him. 
  It has been fun writing to him letters.  Feels like the days when we were dating.  I mentioned that to a lady from church and said, "by the time you guys see each other again you will be just like newly weds all over again."  I told I had thought the same thing.

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