Sunday, January 18, 2015

Five years ago today my world changed

    January 18, 2010 is in my memory and heart forever.  It was one of the hardest days I have ever had.  Such pain physically and emotionally.  Though the emotional pain was MUCH worse.  The physical pain only last a little, the emotional pain, it is still there. But yet it was through this pain that God taught me so much.  I have more compassion, I am not as quick to judge people and their actions.  You are probably wondering what happened on this day.

   I had a miscarriage.  I was 10 weeks along and had been bleeding off and on for a week straight.  It was emotionally wearing because I had no idea what was going on.  Was I going to lose the baby, or was the pregnancy going to continue and we would be blessed with the baby? 

   That morning the bleeding was heavier and I "knew" it was going to happen.  I did not say anything to anyone about it, because it hurt too much.  I did not personally know any one who had had one and I did not think any one would understand my pain. (I had told them I started bleeding, just not that it was worse that day).  Thankfully, my dear sister, Alicia was able to be at our house and take care of the children.

   It was about 5 o'clock and I went into the bathroom, phone in hand, because I knew it was happening soon.  And I wasn't wrong.  It happened, and there I saw "my baby", so tiny, but yet starting to form.  I stared at it and sobbed.  Why did this happen?  What did I do to make it this baby die?  Feeling sorry that this baby never had a chance to live and know that it was loved and wanted even though we hadn't planned for it.  But yet there was a peace and joy knowing that my baby was in heaven with Jesus, and that it would NEVER know pain or sorrow.  As much as I ached to hold that baby in my arms like I did my other children, I knew that this child was in the arms of Jesus.  He/she could not be in a better place.

   I called my midwife, and she prayed with me, and just listened to me cry. (The joy of having a Christian midwife).  Then I called Josiah at work and told him what had happened, and that I wanted him to come home and hold me so I could cry.  He did that, he did not have anything to say, but just having him there, was what I needed.  He did not experience the emotional pain that I was, but yet I was in pain and he was there to comfort me and help me through it.  Thank you, babe!

  I did call a few people and tell them, and then just spent the next week at home loving the children that God had given to me, like I never had before.  I could not bear to go out and face people.  I felt like I had let them down, (no one said or did anything to make me feel that way), I just think that is how all women feel after a miscarriage.

  I finally got tired of being at home and told Josiah that I needed to go out.  I did and at first it was fine, but before I got home I had a horrible headache, and wished that I had stayed home.

   Time went by and the pain was still there, but it got easier to go out,  and three months later I found out I was pregnant again.  And I was SOOO excited!  God gave me a peace unlike any other through that whole pregnancy.  I never once worried that I was going to have another miscarriage.  It was my best pregnancy emotionally, and I know it was God that did that for me.

  I still feel a sense of loss, and often when all the kids are in the room, I still feel like there is one missing.  My angel.  A child that I never got to know, but a child nonetheless!

  My heart breaks every time I hear that some has had a miscarriage because I know the pain that they are going through,  I just want to go up to them and hug them and cry with them.  Let them know that I understand, that God understands and that they will someday see that child again if they are saved.  If they are not saved, it is always heavy on my heart and I pray that they may come to know Christ so that some day they may see their child again.

  I could go on and on, but this post is already too long! 

  Just had to share what was on my heart today.  My prayer is that this may bless someone who is going through a miscarriage, or has in the past.

   Remember God is there, and I pray you feel His presence!!